It's fine...

As previously blogged about, a few friends and I went to the Bend area for my birthday weekend. One of the afternoons there, us girls were sitting around a pub table having a relatively intense discussion:

"What if we made shirts?!" someone suggested...

"Like? What...birthday shirts? What on earth are you talking about??" someone else retorted.

"I dunno! What if we made shirts that had a word or phrase on each one that described our personalities...like, for example......Crystal's would say 'I'm BUSY!'...or something like that" (Crystal is always "busy"...time is precious!)

Ok ok ok...so of course this sparked a heated conversation as to what we all say or express the most. Krista's was something along the "more IPA!?" line. Laura's was something like "FOR REAL." Of course Baby Boat kicked Candace particularly hard right in the middle of all this where she (literally) screamed out "MOTHER F*CKER!"...which, obviously, became her t-shirt slogan.

And mine...? "It's fine..."

I say, "it's fine" ALL THE EFFING TIME.

I've decided....like today...that it isn't fine. It's not! Every time I say 'it's fine' I'm usually covering for some kind of deeper feeling that I'd just rather not express right now. Not to you at least.

For someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, I'm really starting to piss myself off with my cowardliness.

Honesty is the key. "It's fine" is a bullshit lie...and I do it WAY to often.

I had a friend recommend that I watch the movie "Eat, Pray, Love"....and true to my absolute lazy attitude...instead of walking across the street to the blockbuster kiosk to rent it, I noticed it sitting on our bookshelf in paperback fashion. So.....I started reading.

This book....is one of the most moving things I've ever read. Every page throws me. Every word an echo of what I stand for....what I want to be like.

This woman is an incredible writer. Up until she went on her year long adventure, our stories were somewhat similar. Married and miserable, divorce felt like "getting into a really bad car wreck every day for about 2 years" (her words, not mine...but oh so true) and then the recovery...being thrown into the 'real world' left to figure out who in the heck you are and what in the heck you're supposed to do with your life.

Who am I?

I dunno?

It's fine! I'm figuring it out!

HA!

It's been so funny discovering myself these last couple years. I have a wonderful life...every day I am more grateful. My friends and family are more prevalent than ever. THE most amazing people one EARTH. But also.......every day I'm more aware. Aware of this journey...and the things I want to see and experience while I'm on the ride.

:) That's all. I've had a funky week off (back to work tomorrow), that kind of ended a little frustratingly. Upon coming home this afternoon I heard myself say over and over again "it's fine" and that heavyness in my chest persisted.

It's incredible how much throwing something into cyberspace can relieve that feeling...

Sometimes I think I use this blog as a quick fix. I'm such a strong journaler, but my fingers FLY on a keyboard....vs scribbling something out over pages of my notebook....inevitably getting writers cramp....pausing to stretch out my fingers and then lose my train of thought. URGH! Frustrating!

This helps. :)

My journal, for proof - that I do, occasionally, use it. :) Please ignore the ridiculousness of it. Just meant to be an example. 

ps - this post is totally dedicated to Claire. CLAIRE! IT'S NOT FINE! :) love you.