So when I was a little girl my dad sat me down (yes dad, I still remember this...even if you don't!), and asked me if my mother had talked to me about 'the fact's of life yet..." Instantly frightened out of my mind about what I was about to hear...I cautiously responded "no?"
He resumed his twiddling of his thumbs and awkwardly said "oh....well.....she'll probably do that soon."
Yeah..........not so much. BUT.........I think if I were to explain to my kids "the facts of life" I'd start with the following unwritten rules.
I'm sure we've all dealt with it....in some way, shape, or form........but there is definitely something of a 'gap' or 'missing link', if you will, between the sexes.
*Boys lift the seat (PUT IT BACK THE WAY IT WAS!!!)....girls sit down.
*Boys give handshakes (firm handle, no wimpy wrists)...girls hug it out.
*Boys don't cry (they have allergies).......girls grab a box of tissues and let loose.
Boy's are supposed to be macho, ladies a little more tender and sensitive....you get it - there are always exceptions to the rule, of course, but for the most part within my community, at least, this concept here holds pretty strong.
I've had a few close-up observations of some lady-friends of mine getting their feelings hurt, very inadvertently, I might add, by men recently...and in light of witnessing these interactions, I've decided to take it upon myself to make a little cheat sheet for men.
You are welcome.
The following statements and/or questions may NEVER, unless otherwise specified be spoken to a woman by a man:
1. "You look tired." - This simple, three word statement (variations also NOT accepted..."did you get any sleep last night?" "are you hungover?") is probably the MOST common (and EASY) way to ruin a lady's day. "You look tired", in female language, translates roughly to "you look like crap" or "holy shit you have the biggest bags under your eyes I've EVER seen....heard of cover up!?" It could honestly be that they really ARE soooo EXHAUSTED, but never, EVER in a woman's life do we want to be caught LOOKING that tired. We always look pretty, end of story. Got it? Yeah. This is a HUGE no no.
2. "Are you pregnant???!" (or alternatively: "Is that a sweet baby bump!?!?!" or "how far along are you??") - NO. NEVER. Don't even go there unless I should have had my baby like a month ago and am literally crowning right now....unless there is a clear/obvious sign that the lady in question is actually with child (i.e. she states "i am pregnant") - then there is NO reason you should EVER assume something like that. "No, thank you sir, that is actually the sandwich I consumed this afternoon that I just haven't been able to pass yet......thank you SOOO much for reminding me that second lunch isn't always a good idea."...or you may hear "Actually, SIR, I am so bloated right now I actually don't own ANYTHING that will fit over my ever-growing abdomen. Thank you SO much for noticing." Pregnancy questions??? Yeah....you're on thin ice.
3. "Dude." "Biiiiitch" or "Man!" - We are actually none of these, thanks. Girl on girl - totally fine. Guy expressing to girl - yeah....not so much.
4. Confusingly enough we also don't like to be addressed as "woman!" My name is heather...if you want something, you can ask me for it like a normal human being...not a beastly savage trying to compensate for your lack of 'machoness' with an attempt at a 'cool and powerful' attitude....and I crazily enough like mannerisms such as 'please and thank you' as well. "Heather...may I please have..." vs "WOMAN! where is my....!" hmmm...which one am I more likely to respond to?....without swear words?
5. "oh...you're wearing that?? hmm..." or "wow..........your makeup is......different?" OK..........ok ok, I get it. Sometimes we get a little nut-so trying to be fashion forward. IT IS SO HARD! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be on top of the trends?? The pressure we're feeling?! It's easy to get carried away. Obviously...as a gender...due to ridiculous media influences, us ladies have become a little sensitive about the way we look...so you have to tread lightly. GET IT? If it really is a look that even our awesome personalities cannot rock (HIGHLY unlikely)....than either let us down gently, or phone a friend....girlfriends we listen to....boys? What do you know about fashion anyways? ;)...........and anything described as 'different' is always bad.
6. "you're going to eat that whole thing??" Yes. I am. and now I'm getting dessert. back off.
7. While at the gym "one more rep! ONE MORE REP! 5 more minutes....YOU CAN DO IT!" while I know you're trying to be encouraging by making my work out more excruciating...I'm actually doing just fine on my own. Yell at me again, and I'm going to throw this dumbbell at your head.
8. "I'm too tired!" - this one goes out to my mom friends. Guys...............she's more tired. I guarantee it. After incubating a baby for 9 and some change months, while still living a normalish life, then pushing a baby out of a you know what after hours of excruciating pain....AND THEN feeding that child with her own body's milk (that she's carrying you know where) for months and months after the fact........ yeah she will always have you beat. That's just life. You may be sleepy.........but she's worse.
:) - ok.........I hope while reading this you understand that my humor is a little sarcastic to say the least....and while these examples are relatively EXTREME, the points I'm trying to make are actually quite true. AND......I'm not trying to make this any kind of 'relationship guide'.........hence the title SILLY LIFE lessons. I am in NO WAY a relationship expert....I just observe interactions like this on an hourly basis in the work place and have been wanting to write about it forever.
It's just like you were always taught as a child........THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.
That's all. :)
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